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SCENE I
Creon exposes a murder! Oedipus exposes himself!
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Outside OEDIPUS' palace, a CROWD OF POOPY AND GRUMPY PEASANTS and servants gather headed by a PRIEST. OEDIPUS enters wearing his royal jam-jams (pajamas) what depict his various glorious adventures.
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OEDIPUS
What the hell is going on out here!? It's 5 o'clock in the freaking morning!! Don't you people have sleep you could be doing? Why is everyone so grumpy and poopy?
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Peasants shout and grumble.
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Man, it stinks. Is that incense? Is somebody crying!? I, your benevolent King, demand to know what the hell is going on?!
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GRUMPY AND POOPY PEASANTS shout and grumble, their complaints indistinguishable.
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You! With the hippy hair, you're obviously the leader. Why are you all grumpy and poopy? Is it the tax cuts? Looking for political favours? What?! I'll do anything to get you off my lawn! What has made you all so miserable…and I'm already sorry I haven't been able to cure these ills!
PRIEST
Yea, Oedipus, our most tubular and gnarlicious leader man. As you can see, we've got, like, a real diverse group of protestors here man - got some real young kiddies, so young in fact that they got no teeth and all they can eat is pablum. And then we got some real old geezers that are so old they, uh, they got no teeth either and all they can eat is pablum…but they can save it in their beards...which is cool. But anyway, like, it's not just here, dude, people are protesting at the market too, Mr. King man.
OEDIPUS
But why?
PRIEST
Mostly, like, the economy is a real bummer, you know? And our sheeps and stuff, like, are totally sick with some sort of disease - they got these knobbly little things that grow on their knees and nose - all wrinkle like, like a nipple or something, but one that grows on your knee and nose, and then pus pops out and our livestock die. It's totally rancid, guy. Then, of course there's the plague which is just nasty killing everyone man. Like,
everyone's real down, man.
And like, you're the best king ever man; We totally love you. And we figured, if anyone can stop this horrible, like, bad year, it would be you. After all, when you came you freed all us Thebans from that nasty tax. Then you killed that nasty mutant freak Sphinx that was, just, like a total downer on the love scene, man. So, like things were pretty bad before, but you saved our asses and made everyone real, cool, you know? So, uh, can you do that again? Like we've got a world class city, here. Let's keep it that way. Let's make it the best city ever. Like, let's bust our asses for some Olympic bids, or something, you know? It's better than ruling over a pile of dust which is what this place is gonna be pretty soon if we don't do something, man.
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GRUMPY AND POOPY PEASANTS all start to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
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OEDIPUS
Hmmm, you are right. But I've already been working on it. I've already sent my wife's brother to talk to Pythian Phoebus at Delphi…because, frankly, I don't know what the hell to do here. It's inexplicable! He went a couple of days ago…but when he returns, we shall all have an answer!
[OEDIPUS turns to the audience and shouts to himself] WELL, WITH A PLAGUE ON THE PEASANTS, LIVESTOCK AND HARVESTS AND A PROTEST AT MY FRONT DOOR, AT LEAST THE DAY CAN ONLY GET BETTER!!
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Sign reading 'FORESHADOWING' flashes in the background. There is general snickering from the crowd of GRUMPY AND POOPY PEASANTS. OEDIPUS is about to speak when he notices them pointing at him. He looks down and, embarrassed, tucks in his fly. The snickering quiets away. There is suddenly commotion among the crowd of GRUMPY AND POOPY PEASANTS as they turn their heads and point and shout.
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PREIST
Whoa! Like here he comes now, Scoob! That's like a serious Coinkydink. That's definitely a kozmic karma connection, man…or maybe artistic license or something. It's like, how come you never read about anyone going to the bathroom in the ancient scrolls?… it's like, because, its edited out because it's improper or something man. That's total bullshit, man. And like, Creon, would just show up at this EXACT moment. That's what I'm talking about man, taking total liberties with plot for artistic purposes. [Pause] Or maybe it's just a lucky coincidence... That would be really bong bodacious. Yeah…
OEDIPUS
Fuckin' A, Creon is here!
PRIEST
He doesn't looked bummed out, so it must be good news, eh?
OEDIPUS
We'll find out soon enough as, despite the large wailing crowds, I can hear his footsteps approach! [Oedipus steps out to listen.]
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NEXT!:
Somebody! Shoot the messenger!
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