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SCENE II
Oedipus Greco-Roman wrestles the disabled.
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Inside of courtyard of OEDIPUS's Palatial Pad. The various male and female guards inside the palace suddenly doff their helmets and come to do funky dancing. They are the OEDIPUS GOLD DANCERS!!
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OEDIPUS GOLD DANCERS
Verse 1
We are the OEDIPUS GOLD DANCERS
and we are really sexy!
We shake our boo-tay twixt every scene
to stave off AAAAAAAAApoplexy!
And, what, to boot
We aren't just cute
We recap important plot points
We wear few clothes
But we're not hos!
We're important parts of the play…uh…oints? [nervous giggling from the OEDIPUS GOLD DANCERS]
Gooooooooooooo TEAM!
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Oh great queen!
Oh great great queen!
Oh great great great queen!
Oh great great great great queen!
You are so great that we greatly admire
How great you are and are grateful.
Artemis, please save our city from destruction, girlfriend!
Or we may all perish!
Gooooooooooooo ARTEMIS!!!
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Laius and Artemis
Sitting in a TREE
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes LOVE
Then comes MARRIAGE
Then comes...nothing but a barren womb of
nothingness and apocryphal despair of which was
the horrid prophesy decried by the oracle!!
OH woe is us BARREN BARREN QUEEN!!
Gooooooooooooooooo BABIES!!
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Gimme a P
Gimme an L
Gimme an A
Gimme a I
Gimme a G
What's that spell? PLAGUE!
Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy PLAGUE!
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Oh save us from the plague
Please save us from the plague
Zeus is the best
We can't contest
The answer is quite vague!
Oh woe is us. Gooooooooooooo ZEUS!
A man who killed king Laius
Is here and shall betray us
But we'll be quick
And kill the dick
'cause that's what the Oracle sayus!
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G-O-D-S!
G-O-D-S!
G is for GREAT! Oh ya!
O is for AWESOME! Oh ya!
D is for DANDY! Oh ya!
S is for SAVIOUR! Oh ya!
Our city's burnt and broken
The poor have not a token
The crops are bad
It makes us mad
Gods come on down and SMOKE 'EM!
Goooooooooo GODS!!!!
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OEDIPUS
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OEDIPUS enters talking to a PALACE GUARD, pointing to his pajamas. The OEDIPUS GOLD DANCERS resume their positions as PALACE GUARDS.
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Yeah. That was pretty cool. See, there's depictions of all my great adventures. This one here with the sticks shows when me and my best friend Jimmy Yahoulnitsky found the dead body of a guard out in the fields of Antizone near my home. And I was like, 'Is he dead?' And Jimmy was like, 'I don't know.' And I was like, 'Well, touch him and find out.' And Jimmy was all 'No way! What if he's alive and grabs us! Why don't YOU touch him?' and so I was 'No way! YOU touch him.' And Jimmy was like 'No way!' So I was all 'I know. Let's get some sticks and poke it!' So we went off and got some sticks and poked the dead guard.
PALACE GUARD
Wow. Was he dead?
OEDIPUS
Yeah. He was dead. It was gross, his eyes were all bulgy and stuff and he was stiffer than Zues' wang at a virgin sacrifice!
PALACE GUARD
Wow. That's some adventure.
OEDIPUS
Oh! And this one time, me and my best friend Jimmy Yahoulnitsky found this vase? and we went around and found a bunch of horse dung and put it inside? But that wasn't enough, we thought, so we went around and found some mud and some sticks and some berries and a dead rat or two and then we mixed it all together with some water in the vase. Man, did that stink really bad.
PALACE GUARD
And then what?
OEDIPUS
'And then what' what? That's all. We had this really rancid vase of stuff. And we dared Jimmy's neighbor down the way to drink some but he didn't. Yeah, these pictures all over my jam-jams are great…and there's plenty more room to fill up with my further adventures.
[lamenting] I wish I had more fun adventures. Not like these stupid ones saving cities and solving dumb riddles. That's not fun. It's all so serious. Why can't I have fun adventures like that time me and my best friend Jimmy Yahoulnitsky snuck into the Greco-Roman wrestling training centre? But all this stuff is so frustrating! Obscure, poorly crafted riddles! Murders! Everyone hates me because the city is gone to the underworld. People are dead! The gods are mad at us! I'm just trying to be a good king! Why does this stuff always happen to me?!? I mean, how am I supposed to find the killer of Laius? I didn't even get here until after he was dead! This is so unfair. All I really want to do is be a great king and have everyone like me!
PALACE GUARD
Well, maybe this is a test. Sure enough, if you manage to get rid of this so-called pollution, the people of Thebes will surely think you the best king ever! And you could put another depiction on your royal pajamas.
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NEXT!:
Oedipus wages war on Plaguerism!
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