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SCENE II Part B
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OEDIPUS
Yeah, but what am I gonna do? Beg the guy to just come to the palace gate and fess up?!?! Hmmm, wait a minute, that's not such a bad idea. I'll spare him the death penalty if he steps up and then I can just banish him. That's easy for everyone! Not bad. Not bad at all. And, ooh-ooh!, I'll also offer a reward for anyone who rats the guy out. Yeah, that'll be good. People like money…and they'll be a hero too.
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OEDIPUS enters talking to a PALACE GUARD, pointing to his pajamas. The OEDIPUS GOLD DANCERS resume their positions as PALACE GUARDS.
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But is that gonna be enough? No, I've got to be vigilant. I've got to make this thing like a purple-nurple that won't go away...always stinging twisting until the murderer has no choice but to leave. If anyone harbors this criminal and does not fess up, I'll banish them too…for they are no better than the murderer! Ooh, that sounds good. Sort of backs them in a corner. If you're not with us, you're against us, sort of thing. I'll call it my OATH OF DESTRUCTION!
But what if that doesn't work? Oooooooooh, dammit! I hate adversity. Why can't everything just be easy….like King Laius' wife. Aaaroooooooooooo!!! I wasn't even here a month before I shacked up with that momma. Yowza.
Curses to this murderer! I hope he rots in hell. I hope he gets a really bad genital itch and a bunch of bugs fly into his eyes, I hate him so much. And if it turns out he was one of my servants, I'll even banish myself for harboring him.
By great Zues I swear by my left testicle that I'll avenge the death of the great king Laius! Even though I'm king now and have sex with his wife, it's only right that I avenge his death…even though, I got to say, I'm pretty glad he died. I mean, this king stuff is great. Good thing the old fart couldn't have kids too…otherwise I wouldn't be here…but I'll act as if I were his son and seek out his killers! [OEDIPUS walks along the guards, staring each one down] I'll go apeshit on every man woman and child until I find out who did this!! And for the guilty, I hope they waste away in hell for eternity, scrounging for food for centuries...
PALACE GUARD 3
We didn't do it!
PALACE GUARD 2
It wasn't us!
PALACE GUARD 6
We don't even know who did it?
PALACE GUARD 4
Maybe it was a really bad dog that did it!
OEDIPUS
[Rolling his eyes] Well, that's one group of people narrowed down…
PALACE GUARD 2
Well, we're here to help.
PALACE GUARD 4
You say jump and we say 'how high?'
PALACE GUARD 5
Cause you're the boss.
PALACE GUARD 1
And you're the best boss. We don't know how you manage to be such a good king with all these losers around. I mean, why didn't the Oracle just answer the question instead of giving vague responses?
PALACE GUARD 3
Yeah, and why didn't that dumb Creon just ask him to elaborate?
CREON [from offstage]
I HEARD THAT!!
OEDIPUS
Yeah, you're right. But what can you do?
PALACE GUARD 2
Oh! Oh! I've got an idea!
OEDIPUS
What?
PALACE GUARD 2
Well, why don't we seek the prophet Teiresias? He can see into the future!
OEDIPUS
Teiresias? The blind guy? Yeah. But I've already sent that dimtwit errand boy Creon to fetch him twice and he hasn't come yet.
CREON [from offstage]
I HEARD THAT!!
PALACE GUARD 3
Wait a minute…but what about what we heard from… Ah, never mind. It was just gossip. We're not worthy to give King Oedipus ideas.
All of PALACE GUARDS
No. We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
OEDIPUS
Shut up! What did you hear?! Tell me!
PALACE GUARD 5
Well, sir. We heard it from that scabby guy who sells fruit on the corner…so it's probably not that reliable.
OEDIPUS
Dammit you worthless twits!! Tell me!
PALACE GUARD 3
We heard Teiresias was killed by travelers.
OEDIPUS
WHAT?!!? Merciful Mousakka! What the hell is wrong with this country anyway?! Everybody is getting whacked!
PALACE GUARD 5
But it hasn't been confirmed, sir.
PALACE GUARD 4
And if Teiresias knows what's good for him, he'll come!
PALACE GUARD 2
Even if he has to raise from the dead to do it, right boss? Cause everyone should fear your wrath, right boss?
PALACE GUARD 6
Yeah, right boss?
OEDIPUS
Quit being a bunch of suck-ups. I hate suck ups. Anyway, Teiresias is such a goody goody, he's not afraid of my OATH OF DESTRUCTION.
PALACE GUARD 2
Whoa! Speak of the devil, sir! Here he comes now!
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NEXT!:
If that's not a spectacular entrance, EYE don't know what is!
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