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SCENE II Part D
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TEIRESIAS
Now you accuse me of murder? I don't want your throne. Alright, you wanna know who killed king Laius you big, poopy pants? It was YOU! You are the [TEIRESIAS makes quotation marks in the air with his fingers] "pus-filled mucous of EVIL abomination from the underworld of death!"
OEDIPUS
Liar! You think you can get away with insulting ME, OEDIPUS THE KING!?!
TEIRESIAS
Yes. Yes I can. Because I know all and see all.
OEDIPUS
Yeah, except for that first step coming down the stadium.
TERIESIAS
Shut up. Don't make me call you the [TEIRESIAS makes quotation marks in the air with his fingers] "pus-filled mucous of EVIL abomination from the underworld of death!" again!
OEDIPUS
I dare you.
TEIRESIAS
You, my friend, are the [TEIRESIAS makes quotation marks in the air with his fingers] "pus-filled mucous of EVIL abomination from the underworld of death!"
OEDIPUS
I can't believe you said that to me again! You'll pay for that you traitor!
TEIRESIAS
I'll say it again if you want, Pajama boy!
OEDIPUS
Ha. Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. Furthermore, I am rubber and you are glue and what you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
TEIRESIAS
Ha! Not only that, but your mom is involved in the sickening shame that is the [TEIRESIAS makes quotation marks in the air with his fingers] "pus-filled mucous of EVIL abomination from the underworld of death!"
OEDIPUS
What did you say about my momma!!?
TEIRESIAS
I know all and see all and I only tell the truth.
OEDIPUS
Oh yeah? Well you're a big dumb head. I don't believe you!
TEIRESIAS
[Serious] Oh, you poor bastard. This thing has been a long time coming. And the shit is just hitting the fan. Heed my words Oedipus, I tell you no lies.
OEDIPUS
You can't control my future…
TEIRESIAS
It's not me, but the Gods who have ordained this.
OEDIPUS
Never! The Gods love me! Well, if you don't want my throne, then it must be something else. Creon has enlisted you to usurp me, then!
TEIRESIAS
Creon?! Creon can't even tell whether a pound of feathers or a pound of lead is heavier.
CREON
[from offstage] I HEARD THAT!
TEIRESIAS
No, not Creon. Not I. You have brought this upon yourself.
CREON
[from offstage] IT'S A POUND OF LEAD!
OEDIPUS
Damn that Creon. I knew I couldn't trust him. Going to the Oracle and coming back with pithy nonsensical responses…and taking so long to boot. I'll bet he and the oracle laughed it up real good. Crackin' jokes about old OEDIPUS, plotting to take over the thrown. Then he goes to find you and you don't show up for several days. How convenient! Just enough time to hatch your evil plans! I'll show that halfwit a thing or two. Ungrateful shits, the lot of ya! You were all crying in your booties when the Sphinx had you in her spell. Couldn't solve her masterful riddle. Well, I solved it. I'm a masterful riddle solver! How do you like them apples?!? Even you couldn't answer it. Then simple little me comes along and BAM! Problem solved. Well, you and Creon will regret your plot to throw me out. I'll show you!
PALACE GUARDS
Oooooooooooooo-hoo-hoo-hooooooh!!
TEIRESIAS
Ha. You may still have your eyes but you can't even see what's going on. I serve only my god, not that simple nimrod, Creon. You don't even know who your mommy and daddy are or where you come from. You are a blight not only on this city, but your entire family as well...and none shall be punished for it worse than you! You will be driven yourself from this castle, to wander forever, blind, wailing and crying into every nook and cranny of this country until everyone knows every little detail about your sordid adventure, which, ironically you know nothing about! Homeless and unwanted. Stinky, you'll live in a cardboard box…no, make that a STYROFOAM box…of SHAME. Then you'll be sorry about what you said about me and Creon.
OEDIPUS
[furious] You complete and total, utter dickwad! How dare you insult me in my palace! GET OUT!
TEIRESIAS
Well, YOU asked me to come.
OEDIPUS
Yeah, well I didn't think you'd be such a dink hole!
TEIRESIAS
Well, my mom thinks I'm cool. And your BIRTH parents think I'm smart.
OEDIPUS
What do you mean BIRTH-parents?
TEIRESIAS
I mean the parents that gave BIRTH to you, nutbar!
OEDIPUS
BAH! You don't make any sense!
TEIRESIAS
Oh! Was that one too hard for you Mr. MASTERFUL RIDDLE SOLVER?
OEDIPUS
I AM a masterful riddle solver!
TEIRESIAS
Then figure THIS one out! [gives OEDIPUS the middle finger, but in the totally wrong direction. OEDIPUS tackles him from behind.]
OEDIPUS
[wrestling] Oh yeah, tough guy? Nobody fingers the masterful riddle solver! Hi-ya! I'll beat you six ways from sideways! How do you like that? Enh? Erm? And that! Eh? Un? Ha! [OEDIPUS pulls some sweet Greco-Roman wrestling moves - and some illegal maneuvers - on TEIRESEAS who continues to attempt the three stooges eye-poke in the totally wrong direction.] Predict this! [OEDIPUS smacks TEIRESEAS across the head.]
TEIRESEAS
I can see! I can see!
OEDIPUS
I'LL fix that! [OEDIPUS gives him another slap across the head]
TEIRESIAS
My eyesight! It's gone!! [The two fight for a few more moments before falling exhausted to the floor. Finally TEIRESEAS gets up.]
TEIRESEAS
I don't have time for this bullshit. I'm out of here.
OEDIPUS
Good. Go. We didn't want you here anyway.
TEIRESIAS
I will go but let me tell you the real reason I came. This guy you want to oust from Thebes. The guy who murdered Laius…he is here. And he is considered a foreigner in Thebes, but as we soon shall find out, he was actually born in Thebes. But all his riches will bring him no happiness for he'll lose it all and be banished from this city. And it will be proven that his children are not only his kids, but his brother and sister! And those that
gave birth to them, this man's wife AND mother.
OEDIPUS
[Cringing] Ewwwwwwwwww, that's sick. Where do you come up with this stuff?
TEIRESIAS
I dare you to prove me wrong. If you can do that then I will willingly assume the title "Teiresias the Pretty dumb and stupid blind guy." Goodbye.
OEDIPUS
Yeah. Goodbye. Have a nice fall.
TEIRESIAS
Shut up.
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TEIRESIAS exits. OEDIPUS exits through the big doors into the palace.
End of Scene 2.
*Multimedia Bonus! Oedipus vs. Teiresius: the .wav! Click here to experience the raw power of the sound of Greco Roman wrestling!
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HOLY YE GODS OF OLYMPUS!
Can you feel the tension? Has ever there been a play with real-live wrestling in it before? I'm willing to wager a bet that there hasen't nots! With stuff like that so early on in the play, will we have anything left for the all-inspiring, conclusion?!! You bet! Be sure to follow the ensuing insanity (and perhaps more fighting) in Scene 3!:
Eat a bag of hell, Traitor-boy!
In the meanwhile, leave a freaking message in the forum already!
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