Rex Redidified

COMICLES
Verse 1

Good evening ladies and germs! How are you doing tonight? What do you think of the show so far? Pretty zany, eh? Boy, I'd hate to be that murderer right now! The king, the citizens, gods, fates…everybody wants this guy dead! I haven't seen this many people riding an ass since the Juan Valdez tryouts! [Drum fill.]

Negaverse 1

But seriously folks. Is anyone here from out of town? Oh really? Where are you from ma'am? Syracuse? Oh yeah? I heard something about Syracuse. What do people from Syracuse use for birth control? Give up? Their personalities! [Drum fill.] Ha ha. That reminds me. Why don't they play pool on the isle of Lesbos? No balls allowed! [Drum fill.] But anyway, yeah, Thebes is not the place to be at the moment. Things are looking pretty down.

Verse 2

And what about this Teiresias guy? Calling Oedipus the murderer and saying the murderer's kids are also his siblings and his wife is also his mom? And Oedipus is calling Teiresias a traitor! I don't know who to believe! Not only do we not know who the murderer is but there seems to be a general breakdown in the royal family! But I understand what it means to have family problems. In fact, my mom was so strict that for desert we'd get spankings! [Drum fill. Wait for laugh. No laughing.] Come on, folks! This is my best material! What are you, a painting out there?

[silence.]

Negaverse 2

Ahem, But you know, my question is, where are Zeus and Apollo all this time? I mean, those Gods, eh? What a bunch of worthless…whoa, better watch what I'm saying here. Zues might unleash one of those lightning puppies on me. But seriously, I LOVE the gods. I really do. Maybe I'll just go back to regular jokes… Sooooo, what's the difference between a woman and a slave? Give up? One has to clean the house, do all the work and can't vote and the other has no rights! [Drum fill.] Heh heh. I love that joke. Anyway, thanks for comin' out everybody and enjoy the rest of the show. You've been great! My name is Comicles and I'll be here all week!

The guard steps back into his place at the back and the spotlight disappears. Creon enters.

CREON
That no good rat-eating king OEDIPUS is accusing me of trying to usurp the throne?!?!! Man, after walking four days to talk to an Oracle, you'd think you'd get some respect! I've got bunions the size of shotputs!

PALACE GUARD 3
Ah, forget about it. Oedipus is just under a little stress…

PALACE GUARD 2
Yeah, I mean, the kingdom is going to shit, everyone's mad at him, he's fighting with Teiresias…

CREON
Why the hell would I conspire with Teireseas?! The guy can't even make his spoon find his soup bowl! Besides, I've hated him ever since that embarrassing baklava incident.

PALACE GUARD 3
What embarrassing baklava incident?

CREON
Never you mind about that! What happened in there anyway? Maybe he HAS lost it… Did Oedipus look all crazy and stuff?

PALACE GUARD 1
[Suddenly hesitant] Uh, I don't know…

PALACE GUARD 4
No, me neither. Do YOU know?

PALACE GUARDS
[Generally agreeing] Nope. I don't know. Me neither. Know what?

CREON
What? Just a minute ago… You pathetic suck up liars. You'd do anything to protect your sorry a--

OEDIPUS enters.

OEDIPUS
Creon! What are you doing here you dirty little crown absconder?! Lover of lies! Friend of puns! So, you think I'm a big wimp, eh? Gonna take my crown? Think I'm like some old constipated man, too simple or weak to stop your bold plan? Eh? EH? Well this old man is gonna choke you with his suppositories! You have to be a Masterful Riddle Solver like me to win the crown, not some bad pun spouting eggrod! [Goes for CREON's neck.]

CREON
Wait! I can explain!

OEDIPUS
Why? So you can justify your insane crown lust, you filthy dog toucher!

CREON
I don't want your crown.

OEDIPUS
Lies! I'm a very good judge of personality and I judge that you are a bad person.

NEXT!:

Oh Creon! You got some 'splaining to dooooo!