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SCENE III Part B
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CREON
What makes you think I want your crown?
OEDIPUS
Ha! Didn't you say I should call that moronic prophet!?
CREON
Teiresias? Yeah. Despite the baklava incident, he knows all and sees most…
OEDIPUS
Oh ho! And how long has it been since Laius died?
CREON
Laius? A long time ago. You're not making any sense... [guards standing behind Oedipus nod to Creon and make circles around the side of their head with their fingers - indicating Oedipus is crazy. Creon tries not to notice.]
OEDIPUS
Back when Laius was killed, was Teireseas around then?
CREON
Uh...Sure, Laius used to consult him all the time. It was really funny. Laius always played tricks on him. Like he'd give him centavos and tell him they were royal palace issue gold coins - with the lightness and smallness of a centavos, but the worth of a gold coin! So Teiresias went to the market and picked out a nice professional urn…and tried to pay for it with pennies…trying to convince the market guy they were really palace issued gold coins! What a great story! Laius and I laughed and laughed. One time, in thanks for Teiresias' services, Laius told him he'd let him stay in the royal guest room. Then he led him to the stable and told him the walls were all gold and servants would wait on every word. So he slept on the hay and had the stable hands bring him wine. We laughed about it alllll night. Teiresias never figured it out. He keeps asking to stay in the guest room again…but we won't let him. Ha ha.
OEDIPUS
Don't try and get off topic with pithy anecdotes! During the whole time you've known Teiresius, before and after Laius' death, did Teiresisas ever say anything about me?
CREON
Not that I can remember...
OEDIPUS
And you never learned who the murderers were? Why didn't Mr. Smarty-man future-seer talk about me being the murderer then?
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CREON shrugs.
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Oh, you don't know? How convenient.
CREON
No, I don't know.
OEDIPUS
Now suddenly Teireseas says that I'm the murderer of Laius! [Suspense music] Answer that you big lying opportunist!
CREON
Wait, now let me ask you a question.
OEDIPUS
Go ahead. Try and prove I killed Laius, you weasel!
CREON
Did you or did you not marry my sister?
OEDIPUS
DUH!!! Yeah. What's that got-
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TEIRESEAS enters the room and starts feeling along the walls towards the other end.
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Teireseas! I thought you left?!
TEIRESIAS
[Fumbling around the walls] I'm TRYING to! I've been wandering around for the last hour! How the hell do you get out of this place?!
CREON
Hey Teiresias! How do you find a blind man at a nudist colony?
TEIRESIAS
[Muttering under his breath] fuckin' moron…
CREON
…It's not hard! Get it?! It's not hard!!
TEIRESIAS
Hey Creon, don't make me get out the baklava again! [CREON goes suddenly silent.] No respect. I tell you, I get no respect. [Finds door and exits the other side of the room.]
CREON
Where were we? Oh yeah. And my sister shares the throne, right?
OEDIPUS
Yeah. Sometimes I don't listen to her…but then she does this thing with her socks...oh yeah...mmmmm.
CREON
Well, dipshit, why would I want the throne? I have all I need already! I can get whatever I want from my sister and don't have to worry about all that responsibility stuff. Who wants the crown now, anyway?! The kingdom is falling apart. You think I want everyone hating me?!? Pfff! It's your problem. I'll go see the Oracle or something, but that's it. Man, who wants to be the king? That job sucks.
PALACE GUARD 5
You know, maybe Creon's got a point?
OEDIPUS
Shut up! [to CREON] Ha! You expect me to believe that?!
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