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SCENE IV
Jocasta and Oedipus make-up and make-out.
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Still inside the great hall in Oedipus' Palatial Pad, moments after Creon has escaped Oedipus' Justice Strangle, thanks to the intervention of Jocasta.
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PALACE GUARD 1
Lady, aren't you going to send Oedipus to his room too?
JOCASTA
No, first he needs to tell me how this whole thing started! Well Oedipus?
PALACE GUARD 3
Well, first Teiresias came and they had an argument and then Creon said-
JOCASTA
Is your name Oedipus?! I don't think so. I asked Oedipus. Well Oedipus?
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Silence from Oedipus. Sulking.
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Hmm. Are you gonna be a big baby about it? Are you the big baby king, is that what you are? Well? Fine. I'll ask the guards. They're more grown up than you. Ok, who started this fight?
PALACE GUARD 2
Oh, it was crazy! Everybody was involved! Teiresias was like 'I'm gonna get you!' and Oedipus was like 'Not if I can help it!' and then-[Oedipus makes the motion of cutting the guard's head off] uh…but it's probably better just to forget the whole thing.
JOCASTA
What?!? But just a minute ago you couldn't wait to tell me the whole story.
PALACE GUARD 1
Uh, we forgot.
PALACE GUARD 5
Yeah, We were busy…uh guarding. Yeah, that's it, guarding.
PALACE GUARD 4
Forget? Forget what? I don't remember anything.
JOCASTA
Hey. Don't suck up to Oedipus. I wear the phallus in this household. Speak up or you're all sacked!
PALACE GUARDS
<Gulp!> [looking back and forth between OEDIPUS' menacing looks and JOCASTA's stern face.] uh…um…er…
JOCASTA
Oedipus…
OEDIPUS
Fine, I'll tell you. The REASON we were fighting was because Creon was up to his usual plots again!
JOCASTA
Oh, sure, his 'so-called' plots again…
OEDIPUS
I tell you! He has plots! He's dumb but he's also crafty! Crafty Creon. That's what he's called.
JOCASTA
And what was his crafty plot this time?
OEDIPUS
He's trying to frame me for the murder of Laius! [Suspense music.]
JOCASTA
Oh Oedipus. Is that what you're worried about? [Takes his head to her chest and begins to pet his hair. There are whistles from the audience. Someone yells out SUCK 'EM!!] Oh my poor, dear sweet Oedipus. My lovely charming, naïve Oedipus. My little bumpy pumpkins. You have nothing to worry about. I'll tell you why. A long time ago when Laius was still alive, an Oracle came to him and foretold that he would be killed by his own son…born by me. But King Laius, as we all know, was killed by highwaymen…where three roads meet. And, I must confess, we did have a child. But when it was only three days old we had its ankles pierced and staked to the ground on a mountain to be devoured by wolves…
OEDIPUS
Ewww!! Geeezus! That's child abuse! What's WRONG with this country?! Travelers getting killed! Kids getting nailed to mountains! People strapped to desks as shields! It's ridiculous!
JOCASTA
That's ok. We're royalty - the rules don't apply to us. Anyway, the point is the child is dead, so the prophecy can't have come true. Only Laius' son could have killed him. Do you feel better now?
OEDIPUS
Yeah, a little bit… My snuggle-wuggums.
JOCASTA
My shnooky bear.
OEDIPUS
My love-liver.
JOCASTA
My cutey-patooty.
OEDIPUS
My--Wait a minute…where did you say Laius was killed?
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NEXT!:
Trust us! You don't want to know!
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