 |
SCENE IV Part C
|
OEDIPUS
Oh I'm sorry my lover-doodle. Of course I'll tell you. Alright, my dad was Polybus, King of Corinth, and my mother was Merope, a Dorian. Well, Corinth was great. And I had this best friend, Jimmy Yahoulnitsky and most of my adventures were from my experiences with him. Like, this one time? My best friend Jimmy Yahoulnitsky and me found out that there was a hole in the back of this brothel and we looked in and could see people having SEX! But we laughed so hard that the head matron came out and chased us! But she was fast and caught us and lifted us both up by our necks and yelled at us! We went back later but they had closed up the hole. It was great. I had a great time in Corinth. Well, that is until later...just before I left.
It was weird, I was at this big banquet, where everyone was just rippin' drunk. People were throwing shot-puts! Wrestling bulls! Playing Pente! Hooking up with little boys left and right! It was insane. And then some rowdy bastard shouted at me 'You're not your dad's REAL son!' Well, that pissed me off but I ignored it. Anyway, so the next day I went and asked my mom and dad if it was true. They were rather indignant and called it a stupid comment. They tried to comfort me, but I was still pretty irked. I mean, the guy said it like he was convinced of it himself! And now that he'd said it aloud, the rumor began to spread like a bad case of gangrene. I had to find out for sure if it was true so I could kill the rumor once and for all.
So I went to Delphi to ask Apollo - but he laughed at my petty question. Instead he gave me worse news! He said that I would defile my mother in a sexual way which would bear hideous children. Not only that, but he also prophesized that I would kill the father from whose crotch I had been begat! These oracles are obsessed with this sleeping with moms and killing dads thing! It's like everybody's doing it! So, in great distress, to avoid this catastrophe, I had to defecate from Corinth.
JOCASTA
You mean defect...
OEDIPUS
Yeah, that's what I said - defecate. I left from Delphi and just walked along aimlessly. And when I came along the path where three roads meet, I was confronted by a herald for a man in a car drawn by colts-just like you said Laius was doing! This herald told me to get out of the way or they would force me off the road. Well, I was right pissed off at all the shit that had been going down and I was in a right surly mood. They were messing with the wrong guy. So I just stood there and said 'make me you fat fuck!'
Well, that made me feel a little better but it made them angry and so they started coming right for me and nearly ran me over! Well, I was so friggin' mad that I took up my sword and struck the charioteer as he passed. Well, the old man saw this and from his place in the cart whacked me over the head with his scepter yelling 'Ha! I got him!! I got him! Ha ha! With my scepter! I got him!' Well now I was just fuckin' fuming! So I ran him through real good and flung him out of the chariot. It was a pretty good fling and he landed with this sickening squish. Then the guards came to back up but I took the two of them out right away too...
So, if this man was King Laius then it is true...I am the murderer of Laius! [suspense music] And I defiled his honorable reign not only by killing him but coming home to roost with his wife...squeezing her boobies with my hands covered in his blood! I'm the most horrid person in Thebes! And now I've brought a curse to the city as well! I'll be banished forever and never see you or the children again! And I cannot go back to Corinth for I am doomed to wed my mother and slay my father! Oh how I dread that that day should come.
PALACE GUARD 5
But there is still hope. Wait until the slave has returned from the hills. Then we will know.
OEDIPUS
[Whining] Ohhhhh! Why does everything take so long! I want him here now! I won't know anything for sure until we can ask the serf.
JOCASTA
You're not the murderer. Why are you so obsessed about all this?
OEDIPUS
Well, you said Laius was killed by robbers...so if he corroborates your story then it can't have been me. Not only am I not a robber, but only one person! But if he says it was just one man…well...I'm fucked.
JOCASTA
Ha! Well, phew! That's ok then! Because I remember his tale exactly. He didn't even just tell me, but all the citizens of Thebes were around to hear it. He said "a bunch of robbers". But even if it were only one person, it couldn't be you because the oracle foretold that Laius would die by his child's hand. But that child is dead. All this foreseeing stuff is obvious bunk then. We have nothing to worry about.
OEDIPUS
You have a good point, but still, I must see the herald.
JOCASTA
Fine, my little man. I'll send for him. But we have nothing to fear. I aim only to please you. [She tickles his chin.] Cootchy, cootchy, cooo!
OEDIPUS
[Oedipus giggles and squirms away. Stops.] Ooooh, I've got an idea, heh heh heh...to relieve a little stress... [Pinches Jocasta's buttocks.]
JOCASTA
Oh! Ooooooh. That sounds like a good idea, my little man meat.
OEDIPUS
My sex-soldier…
JOCASTA
MMmmmm. This soldier's hungry. I'd like some souvlaki and a pair of keftedes!
OEDIPUS
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho...
|
OEDIPUS and JOCASTA exit pitching woo and groping each other. TEIRESIAS enters the room slowly feeling down the wall. Stops. Sighs.
|
|
TEIRESIAS
Where the FUCK am I?!!
|
TEIRESIAS continues along the wall and exits. Fade out. Curtains close. End Part 1.
|
NEXT!:
Would you like some cheese with your Intermission?
|
|
|
 |
