You know you're hitting the bottom of the bucket when you're rejected by Playboy. And I was rejected in record time too! I swear, I put my submission in a package and mailed it and the rejection was, like, waiting for me in the mailbox when I got home! Ok, it wasn't that fast. It took maybe four, five days max. Usually these things take between 3 to 6 months! I didn't even think mail could get down to Chicago that fast, let alone back again! I don't think they even read my piece. But, you know, I guess I shouldn't be surprised at this. I mean, how many people who work over at Playboy can read, anyway? They make a picture book of naked girls. If they have any higher level skills, it's airbrushing, not reading. The rejection is probably for the best anyway. If this story was published, nobody would end up reading it. They only put stuff with sentences in Playboy so people can say 'I read it for the articles.' But we all know that isn't true!

Playboy is real cheap too. This rejection slip looks bigger than it actually is. It's about a quarter the size of an 8.5 x 11 piece of paper. I mean, they devote that much of their magazine to a nipple! And there weren't even any naked ladies - sorry, 'articles' - on the rejection slip! You know what, Playboy? I reject your rejection slip. It's lame. You want to see a REAL rejection slip, check out MAD Magazine's...or Loose Moose's.

I never expected to get published in Playboy. I did it more on a lark. To get the rejection slip. The thing is, no 'literary' magazine would be caught dead publishing comedy...especially not the ribald sort that involves lots of puking. I was desperate to find any sort of magazine that might publish this...so I went for something mainstream that wouldn't be snobby about 'true literature.' I mean, they published Stephen King! But, apparently, my stuff isn't even suitable for Playboy! That's almost a good review! Makes you want to read it, doesn't it!

My Rebuttal: I really should have tried harder to make this piece 'suitable' for Playboy. I should have titled my piece 'The Booby Challenge!' or something HOT like that. Maybe I could have started it off with, "Dear Playboy. I've been reading your articles for years and always thought the stuff in your magazine was fantasy, but you'll never believe what happened to me the other day..."