Art History—the West
Cave wall: Man, bear, antelope, sunrise
B&W television: Nuclear family including barely-closeted homosexual, sexy blonde witch, evil brunette witch, meddling mother witch and innocent witch child.
Man covered in thick body hair and perhaps a boat (fragmentary)
Tile fresco: Several effete men, marble bath, gushing fountain
Illuminated Bible: Man in purple robe with crown of thorns, grimacing
Marble sculpture: Men with small penises mincing around a pool (copy from the Greek)
Tapestry: Man with sword, mythical beast, rosy-cheeked maiden
Oil painting: Man seated in high-backed chair, beard, fraise, appears constipated
Granite sculpture: Man, seated, propping his chin up with his fist, pondering nothingness
Pastel on paper: Man, woman, sailboat, water, trees, sun, moon, clouds, herd of running horses, flowery meadow, distant snow-capped mountains
Latex and croutons: “Dead Man” (could also be pool of vomit)
Excrement: Stick figure with giant penis
Art History—the East
Clay figurine: Could be a lion, could be a dog, could be a dragon
Jade pebble: Thousands of tiny characters that must have taken years to carve (meaning lost)
Fired clay pot: Seated monarch with extraordinarily long mustache, four child concubines
Bronze gong: Large, round man wearing patchwork robe, appears drunk
Ornate box: Two dimensional wood-burned image of ancient tree located on impossible prominence at the very edge of sheer cliff
Lacquered screen: Monks trudging stolidly up mountainside toward remote pagoda
Silk kimono: Hundreds of brightly-colored, imaginary flowers
Blocky statue: It could be any fascist
B&W photo: Transsexual in geisha outfit doing French exhale
Placard above sink: “Please remember to thoroughly wash hands” translated into six languages
Cell phone novel: 16 year old girl raped by elderly neighbor, marries well, retreats into melancholy
Art History—Africa
Cave wall: Stick figure with giant penis
Golden sarcophagus: Slender, effeminate king with large breasts
Clay pot: Slaves in the field, reaping barley
Illumination: Young Saint Augustine stealing a pear
Steel: Ornamental scimitar inscribed with gold: “Allah Akbar”
Wood and nails: Mask of evil Ogwegwu spirit that rots yams and causes birth defects
Ivory and filigree: The elephant from which it came, bedecked in golden armor
B&W photo: Pile of severed hands, slave with limp grip on bloody axe
B&W photo: White hunter in pith helmet, drooping mustache, seated in high back chair with rifle broken open across his knee
Charcoal on paper: Prisoner’s drawing of the prison at sunset with long seductive shadows
Textile: Brightly-colored, imaginary flowers against a lime green field
Rally poster: Enraged politician in cheap suit, screaming, pointing at the sky
Spray paint on wall: Self portrait of “Gangsta BOO” holding hand grenade and gigantic bong
Art History—North America
Stone and flint: Clovis point lodged in fossilized mammoth rib
Petroglyph: Bowman trailing deer
Deerskin and sinew: Moccasin lined with cheap glass beads
Fired clay: L-shaped tobacco pipe inscribed with name of nobleman
Etching: George Washington holding trowel and compass, staring into the future
