Ryan was best at nicking pornos,
Then Pete, then me.
When I think of Ryan now
I think of the film Saving Ryan’s Privates:
(it’s my favourite all-time porno parody,
except maybe Star Trek: The Next Penetration).
I’m sure Ryan would have liked it,
especially if they’d been his privates.
Ryan stuffed them up his jumper
while we distracted the shop assistant
by loitering at the penny-chew tray.
You got five points for a Razzle,
three for others:
Ryan had ten, Pete five, me three.
We read them in the car park woods,
imagined the muffs belonged to girls we knew
like Cheryl Bell and Carly Munt.
There was a rumour May Ventress
would take off her bra for a tenner
but we only had £4.37