The American Werewolf in London Goes Incognito


TEETH CLAMPED TOO TIGHTLY. Gives me away. Bowtie driving me to suicidal rationale. Cannot tie correctly. Claws in the way. Am I trying too hard? Hope hair growth slows by tomorrow afternoon. We only get three minutes to talk about ourselves then switch partners anyway. Listen for the bell, they tell me. Still nervous. T-shirt blossoming with peck expansion. Tweed sportsjacket looks right, mellows snout. As far as optical tricks go, almost humanizing. Hope saleswoman isn’t alarmed. Is there an emergency button in dressing room? Slide sleeves to cover hairiness of hands. Don’t talk much. Use corner of mouth so fangs don’t show. Pretend it’s just a really hairy chest. Keep movements to minimum. Underplay strength, accentuate positive, eliminate etcetteras. Careful not to break into a run. No milk or other white foods which accentuate wolf-like qualities. Tone down language, steady eye contact exclaims confidence. Don’t step into a bar beforehand. Absolutely no jukeboxes. Buy new planner. Long trenchcoat, black belt, cowboy buckle. Cancel plans for hot springs.

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About David Moscovich


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David Moscovich was born in a Boston blizzard, raised on the roof of a midwestern television station, and lost his virginity on a banana seat the very Tuesday that Kenny Rogers' The Gambler was released. He lives in New York City.
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