Zarina Zabrisky started to write at six and until now she burnt everything she wrote, including her first novel about trafficking drugs from...read more Ukraine to Russia and her last novel about moonlighting as a dominatrix in Oakland. She wrote and burned short stories traveling around the world as a street artist, fur coat model, translator, kickboxing instructor, and a hot dogs brand ambassador. When not busy writing, Zarina likes to set the world on fire.
BELOW PLEASE FIND the accident report for the event that took place on Halloween night, Monday, October 31, 2005 at the Fitness Facility of the Villedemerde Community Center.
At 3:00 P.M., October 20, 2005, I was busy answering a telephone call regarding lost polka-dotted swimming trunks when a male gorilla in a pink baseball cap and Calvin Klein sunglasses arrived at the front desk. He leaned on the counter in a manner typical for gym guests. He scratched his head, looked at the calendar and asked, “How much is the membership?” He had a distinct New York accent.
I hesitated. We have policies. We are supposed to follow sales scripts. All guests must sign the waiver of liability. Minors must have their parents sign the waiver for them. Pets are not allowed on premises. Apes are not mentioned in the manual. I needed the manager on duty, but he was at Starbucks.
“’Xcuse me, m’am. Did you hear me? Rates?”
The guest looked irritated and I proceeded with my standard procedure.
“I will be happy to help you, sir. Please sign the guest book for me.”
The gorilla rolled his eyes and said, “Do I have to? I’m only here for a minute.”
Then he signed the guest book. His name was Bob G. Gorilsky. His address was the Villedemerde Zoo. Occupation: Gorilla.
He scratched his chin and shrugged while filling in the emergency contact information. He marked Weight Loss and Toning as his areas of interest and put the pen down.
Following the protocol, I took him on a tour. Bob told me that he just moved to Villedemerde from Seattle, that he was originally from New York, that he used to exercise a lot but during the last couple of years his job was too demanding and he wasn’t able to sustain a healthy lifestyle. He wanted a six pack, endurance and a well-toned tail. Toned, but not overdeveloped. He didn’t want to look ridiculous. I wanted to note that gorillas did not have tails but it was not in the protocol. I smiled and said nothing. He said that his girlfriend Manga was to join him later. I answered all his questions, suggested that he buy five personal training sessions and promised a free week pass for his girlfriend.
As I was filling in Bob’s membership agreement, one of our regulars stopped by to chat. When she saw Bob, she got very tense. She didn’t say anything but asked for a suggestion form. (I attach her suggestion: “I love your gym. I lost 120 lbs here and met my fiancé in the belly dance class. However, I will cancel my membership if there are apes on the fitness floor. My advice: Put up a sign saying, 'No gorillas allowed.'”)
Bob gave me his business card, thanked me for my help and left. Fifteen minutes later a group of furious members announced that they refused to share the Jacuzzi with gorillas.
I immediately reported the incident to the General Manager. An emergency management meeting was held in the afternoon and I took the minutes. See attached.
The Membership Manager spoke about sales quotas and marketing. Monkey pays, monkey stays.
Gorilla Special for the month of October to be introduced.
The Office Manager talked about the importance of Animal Rights awareness. We might set a precedent. Endangered species.
The Security/Safety Manager expressed a concern about allergies.
The Fitness Manager requested a continuing education course for tail toning.
The General Manager spoke about diversity, publicity and philanthropy.
Action: Offer all gym members free passes to the zoo; offer all zoo animals free passes to the gym; post an article on Darwinism in the gym newsletter, and hand out wellness and fitness flyers to all zoo animals. 'No dogs allowed' signs to be posted in the restrooms.”
The next week was announced to be Diversity Week. Zoo residents were invited to join our gym for a free week trial. Friendly boa constrictors did yoga; courteous kangaroos played basketball; happy hippos did water aerobics. Our gym was featured on the evening news and in the city newspaper. The President mentioned the Villedemerde Community Gym in his annual address to the nation. We reached our sales goals.
However, on Halloween night, at 7:00 P.M., a member dressed up as a lion interrupted the Sit and Be Fit Class by attacking a participant dressed up as a lamb. When the instructor interfered, the member showed him teeth and proved to be an authentic lion. After a week on a cabbage diet the lion was emotionally unstable and devoured the instructor, followed by five active older adults in the class.
Disturbed by the smell of blood and the sight of flesh, three Siberian tigers from a Hatha Yoga class tore other yogis to pieces. By 7:30 P.M. members fought in the hallways and locker rooms. Personal safety becoming a priority, I hid in under my desk and watched the members’ interaction.
Typically, smaller animals were eaten by larger animals. However, some larger animals were eaten by smaller animals in the act of self-defense. By the closing hour the floor was covered with bones, teeth and cartilage. No members or guests were left in the building. While closing the building and cleaning the premises I left the body parts on the floor in case they were required for investigation.
I request compensation in the amount of $1,000,000. I suffer from the following post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms: panic attacks on Halloween nights, in the zoo and in gyms; Selective Eating Disorder (living off of Kit-Kat bars) and an obsession with tails.
Signed: Membership Satisfaction Coordinator.
Note: The manager on duty was consumed by a pack of wolves and therefore can not sign the report.