Carla Sarett is a refugee from academia who, for reasons unknown, took to fiction writing. Politically libertarian, Carla loves vintage fashion,...read more the films of Hitchcock, baroque music -- and all things witty. Her most recent collection is Spooky & Kooky Tales, available on Smashwords.https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/cjsarett Find her books and humor at her Amazon Page: http://www.amazon.com/Carla-Sarett/e/B00ANVZPXI/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1415649721&sr=8-1
"I need to go on a diet,” I told my mother over the phone. “Jeremy doesn’t notice, but I can tell from the way waitresses look at me. In New York, all the waitresses are super-skinny, which is kind of counter-intuitive, if you think about it.”
“Some women never gain weight even when they eat all the time, it’s most peculiar. But I’ve heard that the grapefruit diet works, and Selma Fine says that she lived on only hot dogs for a few weeks and she lost over twenty pounds,” said my mother who was forever gaining and losing the same twenty. “But don’t lose too much--Jeremy Levy likes you the way you are.”
“He’ll like me even better after the hot dog or the grapefruit diet.”
“Just the hot dogs, not the buns,” advised my mother sagely. “If you eat the buns, it doesn’t work.”
“Probably something to do with metabolism,” I concluded.
At the supermarket counter, I discovered a pocket-sized book called The Top 100 Diets that Really Work for You! The top diets included a hamburger diet, the hot dog diet, the bread-only diet, the rice diet, the apple cider diet as well as the famed “celebrity” grapefruit diet which required eating grapefruit before meals of Melba toast and low-fat cottage cheese, and then extra grapefruit slices in-between. There was even a Fig Newton diet—which, amazingly, I tried, and which destroyed my taste for that particular cookie once and for all.
In the end, though, I settled upon the “eating less” diet. Perhaps if I’d published this secret technique, I might have made a small fortune-- it turned out to be fool-proof and required no special skills.
As I was slowly shrinking, work took a downhill turn. My position in the children’s book department was deemed “redundant”—and so, along with a few other unfortunates, I was laid off with two weeks’ severance. Even in the job market of the ‘70s, I saw a silver lining. It could be a lot worse, I told myself. I could have gained weight—and then a job would not matter at all, according to my murky reasoning.
The company’s farewell party for the laid-off victims was held in the copying room of all places. Everyone squeezed between gray file cabinets and Xerox machines, on which there were sad paper plates, jug wine and boxes of Ritz crackers. I hadn’t bothered to learn anyone’s name—and under the circumstances, I felt it high time for a drink.
Jeremy arrived late, at which point, I was on my third glass of cheap wine. “Here, eat something,” he said, offering me a Ritz cracker.
I brushed away the enemy cracker. “I need to lose weight,” I informed him loftily. The cracker, for all I knew, might be half the calories of a glass of white wine.
“Why?” he asked, confused.
“Because,” I said.
By then the effect of mid-afternoon wine hit me—and the fluorescent light hurt my eyes. I wobbled, unsupported by my black skinny stilettos. Jeremy, who wore penny-loafers and shirts with little alligators on them, looked down. “Can you walk in those?”
“As a matter of fact, I bought these in London. Most men find them very sexy, by the way.” A few women perked up at my loud mention of hordes of stiletto-loving men.
Jeremy separated me from my drink. “That’s great,” he muttered.
He quickly pulled me past the gray file cabinets and plastic cups --I followed, tottering on my 4-inch heels. In the elevator, I leaned against him and announced, “I am not really that drunk.”
He did not look happy. “You’re drunk enough, Bella.”
“Well, you know what I mean. And, we don’t have to walk, anyway.”
“I know what you mean,” he said. His lips formed a no—and I sulked.
On Madison, he hailed a taxi, paid the driver in advance and gave me a depressingly chaste kiss, as if we had never kissed before. I gave Jeremy one last look, which he pretended not to notice. I slammed the door before he could shut it for me.
Then, I slumped in the backseat and heard the driver say, in a foreign accent, “He is a nice guy—clean-cut.”
“He doesn’t drink and he doesn’t do drugs. He drinks milk,” I told the driver who, I saw, wore an enormous turban—maybe he was a Sikh and carried a silver sword, although I felt it best not to inquire about that.
“This is very healthy,” he said. “Drugs, these are bad things—you should not do them.” His fierce warrior eyes met mine in his rear view mirror.
“And red wine gives me a migraine,” I said.
“Milk, this is healthy,” the turban-wearer replied triumphantly.
I was on to rounds of interviews: trade publishers, health publishers, Jewish publishers, scholarly journals, and the “girl” magazines --Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, Glamor and Mademoiselle. I quickly learned the routine. First, I was probed about heady intellectual matters like wordplay in Finnegan’s Wake. Then a kindly gray-hair woman would add as a polite afterthought, “Now there is some typing.”
Afterwards, she would look dismayed. “Let’s see. You got sixty words a minute, but you made, oh, thirty mistakes. But keep trying!” My typing skills over time worsened, which was mystifying.
After dozens of flubbed interviews, I stumbled upon a job as a copy-editor for a technical publisher—and copyediting mercifully did not require much typing. My future boss was a tall fat man with a small red face – and a jolly manner which I would have hated to disturb.
“It’s not the most interesting work,” Mr. Peterson assured me with the air of one who had once dreamed of greater things but who took his present position in stride. “A young woman like you might find it boring.”
The office was quiet—rows of wholesome-looking men in ties and white shirts with, in those days, slide rulers, and thick volumes of metrics and scales with titles like the Principles of Heating. But on the whole, its orderliness appealed to me.
“Oh no, I doubt that, Mr. Peterson,” I said in a manner befitting my new navy suit and pumps. “Besides, I like scientists.”
He shook his head, sadly. “We are not exactly scientists but we do contribute to science, in our way.”
“Definitely, Mr. Peterson,” I agreed. “Manuals need to be clear, don’t they?”
“You’ll probably be off to graduate school in a few years,” he said without complaint. “My daughter is getting her master’s in criminal sociology at Columbia. Are you interested in the field of sociology?”
“A little,” I said, not wanting to offend his clever daughter’s choice.
“But maybe not for a career, though.”
“My other daughter’s getting married,” he said, with a more satisfied tone. “I suppose you’re interested in marriage?”
I said, “That depends on the groom, Mr. Peterson.”
I was hired on the spot.
My work focused on the switch to the “new style” in which hyphens were banished for reasons unknown. I pictured a style dictator exiling the unloved hyphens and dashes.
“It’s sad to see “hydro-electric” turn into “hydroelectric”—I love these hyphens,” I lamented to my partner in copy-editing, Sue Olinsky. “To me, fare-well is poignant and farewell is mundane.”
“We wouldn’t have a job if it weren’t for the hyphens,” said practical Sue. “It’s progress, things change. No reason to have hyphens in compound words.”
Sue Olinsky was a no-nonsense person. She spoke of dry cleaning, ironing boards, checking accounts, pantyhose, vacuum cleaners and food prices at different supermarkets. There was a universe of practical information that people like Sue apparently knew about.
“I didn’t know eggs cost more some places than others,” I said. “That is very useful to know, I mean, when I make an omelet.”
She threw up her large hands, “How doesn’t someone know that?”
I doubted that my mother knew the cost of eggs at different markets or the cost of much of anything. “I guess I don’t buy food much,” I said, dazzled by the plentitude of facts at Sue’s disposal.
“I can see that,” she said.
“I’m kind of not hungry these days,” I said, meaning I had not heard from Jeremy Levy.
Sometimes, Sue urged me to call him. “He didn’t reject you—he was being noble,” Sue said. “That’s kind of a guy thing, not taking advantage of a girl when she’s drunk or stoned.”
“I’m not angry at him, it’s me. I’ve never ever acted that way, I mean I never asked a guy so he should have said yes,” I said somewhat illogically. “Besides, now he thinks I’m always flinging myself at men in elevators when I’m drunk or high. And I’m done with drugs, anyway.”
“Drugs are a terrible waste of money,” Sue agreed. “But you’ll run into him. Everyone meets everyone in New York—there aren’t that many places to go, are there?”
She had a point. In those years, everyone I knew cycled through the same uptown museums, downtown bars and art-house movie theaters. Meeting people was no big deal.
Soon enough, I spotted Jeremy in a movie line with a tall woman who wore a camel coat—they looked like two fashion models, ready for a shoot. I’d imagined that Jeremy was trying to make up his mind about me, not dating gorgeous women in public places. But he had a right to date whomever, even if she was as pretty as a waitress.
Another girl might have fled, but I marched directly to the scene of the crime. “Jeremy, how have you been? You know, I’ve been kind of busy with the new job and everything, which is really great because I needed a change of scenery.” To his date, I said with a bright smile, “Jeremy and I used to work together sort of, only I wasn’t good at the work part of my job.”
Jeremy looked shell-shocked. “You look thin, Bella.”
“It’s the hot dog diet. It works, but only if you don’t eat the buns, something to do with metabolism,” I confided cozily to his companion although she had no need for my friendly tip.
She was not sure if I was joking so, hedging her bets, she half smiled. Jeremy looked at his loafers, avoiding me or trying to keep a straight face--I could not see which.
“Well, you enjoy the film—the Times gave it a great review,” I said and turned away before I got beet-red and ruined my act. When I was across the street, I tried to check if they held hands, but by then, the line had moved.
That week, I made a decision. I liked working for fat Mr. Peterson – his stalwart attitude in face of a dull career, his pleasantness and his never-failing courtesy. To me, he was a role model in his own quiet way—as was Sue Olinsky in her efficient one.
But his comment about graduate school had stuck with me—he was right, it was the obvious choice. Practical women like Sue fit in. In her future career, Sue would manage budgets, direct operations or do other amazingly useful things. But I sensed that even a dream job would not be my dream.
I made up my mind by myself—I never listened to anyone, anyway, and I was not about to start now. But the one person whom I needed to tell was Jeremy.
I called him first thing in the morning at the office. When I suggested lunch, he said, “No, dinner, tonight, let’s go to Frere Jacques.”
A plump French waitress led us to a corner table, clucking with pleasure over Jeremy as all women did. I noticed that all of the waitresses were matronly plump women—not skinny at all.
“I’ve been a dope Bella,” Jeremy said. He played with my fingers.
“It’s hard to time stuff,” I said. “The girl at the movie, she was pretty and she had a nice camel coat. You two looked right together.”
Jeremy said, deadpan, “I’ll think I’ll marry her because she has a nice camel coat. We can walk around together in matching camel coats. Maybe we’ll buy matching hats, too.”
“Anyway, I am an open-minded person,” I said affecting a breezy woman-of the-Riviera manner.
“Anyway, I am not,” he said in a decidedly non-Riviera tone.
I remembered my loud comment about the stiletto-loving men.
“You’re not?” I asked.
He shook his head slowly, fixing his dark eyes on me to see how I took his news.
“So you’re that kind of dope.’
He nodded yes emphatically.
“Oh,” I said. “Well, I’m not really so open-minded. In fact, I’m kind of closed-minded, you know, actually extremely closed-minded-- maybe even like totally possessive. But how was I supposed to know that I was totally possessive when I’ve never been in love before, you see what I mean?”
“I do,” he said, still nodding.
“Jeremy, I’m thinking of leaving New York and going to grad school in maybe linguistics, maybe philosophy or something else, I’m not even sure, and I have to take GREs or whatever, and that takes time. It’s just I can’t see myself doing this for years and years,” I said. “It feels like the right decision, but …Jeremy, what are you doing?”
Jeremy’s head was under the tablecloth. “I’m checking,” he said.
“And you are correct. The shoes are very sexy, very sexy.” He stroked my leg until his hand hit my knees.
I cracked up and put my hand on his before things got out of control.
“I’m trying to be serious and practical and make plans--like I should learn to drive a car and I should know the cost of eggs. I should pay attention to things.”
He planted his head on the table and looked at me wide-eyed and goofy. “Let’s be serious. Let’s be practical. What should we be practical about?”
“Well, do you think I’m doing the right thing? Leaving New York--quitting a job, going to grad school and well, not being here?” I did not add with you, because I could not bear to say it.
“Yes, I do,” he said in his grown-up voice.
“Oh,” I said, looking away in case I started crying and smearing my eye-liner.
“Bella, it’s not that. I want you here but I think you could do anything you want to. You should be famous. And if you leave, I’ll move or take a train or fly, because we’ll figure it out and we have time and I love you.” He kissed the inside of my wrist and then started kissing more.
“Even your wrists are thin.”
I whispered, “Not now, later.”
“OK, but eat some bread.” He pushed the bread towards me and I took one slice and then another—it was delicious airy French bread.
“There is a bread diet,” I told him. “Some French movie star lost tons of weight eating bread the way they do in Paris. She lived on bread for, I don’t know, like years and now it’s a famous diet. I guess it’s kind of a prison diet, now that I think about it.”
“But it only works if you don’t eat the hot dogs,” said Jeremy.
Later, my Sikh driver brought us home. Upon seeing Jeremy and me together, he chuckled all the way uptown—and believe it or not, his car service went by the name of Love Taxi. Anyway, all those grumps who complain that youth’s wasted on the young, well, they are dead wrong.