DON'T WORRY that you’re only going around in circles. The game is slightly different every time.
Don’t worry about throwing special items. Your opponents are throwing them too.
Choose your partner carefully. We recommend Mario.
We may not side for everything Mario is for, but he is our best bet against Wario. In fact, Wario began his campaign as an “answer” to Mario; without Mario in opposition, he would be no one. d his cart-mate Luigi started out as lowly plumbers, and through their hard work now are part of Princesses Peach and Daisy’s inner circle. Despite their success, they have not forgotten their roots, still dressing to this day in the uniform of the working class.
Don’t’ say anything ill of Baby Mario and Luigi. They are off limits. Wait until they’re older.
Ignore Birdo, who is only a distraction. Wario will ask you your opinion about Yoshi’s relationship with Birdo. Ignore their garish carts with their faces plastered on the front. This is for show, to distract you from the real threats of falling off the road and into water, or into the recession lingering underneath Rainbow Road. Wario’s cart mate, is also a distraction. Wario plays the unmoving brutish non-compromiser, while Waluigi plays the sensitive centrist. While Wario claims to be from a similar background as Mario, his yellow overalls are nothing but part of a costume. He claims we need to invest in construction and conservation, but Wario’s own track still has dangerous boulders and fire pits. And when Wario is not sporting his eco-friendly cart, he is riding a gas-guzzling motorcycle.
Wario will attempt to distract you with how Mario allegedly mistreated Donkey Kong many years ago, to the point that Mario transported Donkey Kong in his cage atop his cart for an entire race. In fact, Donkey Kong has publically endorsed Mario, and has said anyone who votes for a Wario / Luigi ticket is bananas.
Look out for Chain Chomsky, who will sneak up to you from the side or from behind, and may even pull you forward with him so that you feel you are part of some sort of progress, until you are finally yanked free of his chain, left only disoriented and quickly lapped. He is in favor of no particular candidate, to the point that he believes the entire game is flawed.
Chain Chomsky will question why we are supporting the Shy Guys’ control of the west track, but be reminded that the tyrant Bowser has been buried at sea.
The Weakly Herald (Issue #6):
by Victor Schwartzman
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