2012 IN REVIEW
But really, who cares? That’s not for another full year. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to turn this month’s introduction into the usually cliché review of Japanese Tsunamis, Arab Springs or Wall Street Occupations. No, instead I want us all to look ahead to the New Year, as we anticipate more of the same, except way weirder. So for your perusal and research purposes, I hereby engage in a month by month chronological review of all of the significant current events of 2012. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
History is made almost instantly when every state in the union officially moves its presidential primary election up to the first month of the year. Wiley Utah still comes in last on January 31st, allowing Mitt Romney’s delegate count to squeeze into an exact numerical tie with Newt Gingrich. Both candidates agree to a nationally televised, 12 round debate match in April in which a three judge panel, comprised of Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity and Karl Rove (perennial “novelty” candidate Ron Paul was not available for the panel, hanging up on a reporter while allegedly muttering “I can’t fuckin’ take this shit anymore.”) chooses a winner who will be ceremoniously awarded all the other candidates delegates who will not be allowed to shift candidate allegiances during the party’s convention in St. Petersburg FL in September.
As leading economic indicators remain stalled, job growth continues to wilt like Jose Canseco’s book sales (and perhaps other apparati) and the national debt balloons past 15 and half trillion dollars, Super Bowl fever grips the nation. Once again the Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-25 in an exact, play by play replay of the previous year’s game, leading dozens of fans to question whether or not the game is irrevocably fixed from week to week, and possibly considering giving up on the sport all together. But before the month is out, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell shocks the nation by admitting on an hour long 60 minutes special interview that he is in fact a Sith Overlord and that average Americans just don’t appreciate “the power of the dark side.” From this moment on he is addressed as “Lord Darth Roger.” Even after the immediate end of its playing season, the NFL’s popularity rockets to an all time high, and Mel Kiper Jr. gets his own reality show where he demonstrates to his loyal viewers how it’s possible to become an expert on anything without knowing anything. David Stern decides to dissolve the NBA after all, ending the Association’s final press conference with the immortal words “I can’t fuckin’ take this shit anymore.”
One year after the inspired beginnings of the Arab Spring, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad is finally toppled, first as a fashion icon among middle-east dictators (according to Vogue magazine and they would know) and then finally by one of the most systematically repressed civilian populations in the world. President al-Assad looks positively dashing in his Giorgio Armani three piece suit as his captors repeatedly insert his tan, fit and attractive body with a number of rusty, serrated wire coat hangers before gracefully suspending the entire package from the top of the tower at the Umayyad Mosque in Damascus, where his tortured corpse looks simply debonair compared to that of Muammar Gadaffi. The democratic election which follows, like in previous elections in Egypt, Libya and Tunisia, sweep a new wave of virulent, Al-Qaeda supported clerics into office, but this turns out to be very good news for the United States intelligence community as most Al-Qaeda operatives are also double agents on the CIA payroll, further extending our nations expanding black operations resources and they’re ever popular “War on Terror” at the most popular ATM machine known to all corporate personhoods as the Internal Revenue Service.
Five days into the month of April, a certain U.S. political executive who shall not be named here but whose initials are “Barack Obama” abruptly cancels the entire month of April, claiming that pressure from partisan ideologues in Congress has forced his administration to recognize that the whole concept and celebration of “National Poetry Month” poses a direct threat to freedom, the American way of life, and most importantly, jobs.
At first Republicans are ecstatic, claiming that by eliminating April 15th, they have forced the president to eliminate all taxes, but then, realizing in horror, as May begins, that by eliminating taxes, the top “publicly held” corporations have also eliminated they’re record setting tax refunds. As the new reduced year begins, it also occurs to the GOP that they also lost their twelve round debate match between Gingrich and Romney and millions of dollars in free advertising and pork. It is decided that the Republican nomination will be decided by a thumb-wrestling free for all at the September convention. Herman Cain abruptly resumes his campaign saying he’s got the most versatile hands of any candidate.
Christian Family Radio broadcaster Harold Camping renounces Christianity and becomes a devotee of Betsy Balega, a Canadian psychic who predicts the near arrival of the asteroid Toutatis will cause a devastating magnetic shift in beneath planet Earth’s crust, resulting in the Volcanic eruption of the Yellowstone Caldera, essentially wiping out most life forms on planet earth that weigh over ten pounds. Camping, whose three previous predictions for the end of the world were found to be inaccurate, was asked by a blogger from The Daily Beast what he would do next if his fourth prediction were wrong. “Failing the eruption of Yellowstone on December 12th,” Camping was quoted as saying, “I will immediately join the campaign of Canadian psychic Betsy Balega to prepare the world for the arrival of Planet Niribu, or what some others have referred to as Planet X on December 21st just nine days later. That’s pretty much my last shot at being right about this apocalypse thing. Failing that, I won’t be able to fuckin’ take this shit anymore.”
While attending the 83rd annual Major League All-Star Game, which reaches the 43rd inning in a 4-4 tie, Baseball Commissioner Allen “Bud” Selig dies of an aneurism. MLB officials had been imploring him to call an end to the torturous contest which had seen both leagues teams reduced to signing up fans from the stands to field positions where players had been injured or passed out from exhaustion. Efforts to revive Selig seem initially successful, as the man who had overseen league operations and labor relations for 23 years suddenly opened his eyes, gasps out the words “but this year it means something” and then according to witnesses, instantly loses consciousness and is pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. After much rejoicing, the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees announce the next week that they will break away from MLB the following year to form their own league where they are the only two teams that play 162 games against each other in the regular season, followed by three rounds of best of eleven series, with the winner of each series garnering home field advantage in the subsequent series, when the winner of the third series will be declared “the supreme champion of baseball in the known universe” with all games to be broadcast on ESPN 9, “El Nueve.”
As global warming reaches new heights, the continents of Antarctica and Greenland essentially just outsource the rest of their ice to desperate ski resorts throughout the world, while opening up their own newly procured land masses to developers touting shopping malls, golf courses and of course, oil drilling. These economic frontiers, along with a massive heat wave that kills a billion people, singlehandedly bring the worldwide recession/depression to a screeching halt. And there was much rejoicing. Each GOP candidate takes personal responsibility for the economic recovery by saying they knew Global Warming was a great and sure thing all along.
Due to the sudden economic upswing, Red Fez lands a premium distribution deal and becomes a major publication imprint of Penguin books. Every Red Fez author and poet becomes an overnight bestseller. Leopold McGinnis and Michele McDannold establish a network of Red Fez Communes extending from Toronto to Cabo San Lucas, and all Fez authors, editors and supporters become part of a massive and meaningful art movement versed in family friendly, yet non-traditional lifestyles, complete with self-sustaining energy sources for each compound, self-sustaining food sources, small press resource workshops, and a liquid suspension chamber for JD Nelson.
At the GOP convention in St. Petersburg FL, Herman Cain stuns the world by easily running away with the thumb-wrestling tournament and earning the nod as the Republican nominee to run against Barack Obama, completing his improbably full circle return to glory!
Red Fez editor and author Paul Corman-Roberts, whose increasingly unstable rants and manifestos regarding an “as yet undetectable” black speck in the sky but whose diameter increases infinitesimally each day as evidence of the arrival of “Planet X” lead to his dismissal and expulsion from the Red Fez commune, but he manages to convince a few commune members to follow him out promising “to score some really excellent weed that is waaaay better than that wack ass Mexicali shit Grover has been growing.” One of the members to leave with the Corman-Roberts break off contingent is poet and erstwhile farmer Michael Grover.
President Obama successfully wins the general election and immediately announces that he and his family have converted to Islam; that he and his staff are leaving the Democratic Party for the Communist Party; and that only gay marriage will be legal in the United States. Texas governor Rick Perry calls a press conference to say “I told you so” but he forgets the words because his staff fails to remove the piece of chewing gum he was working before the press conference.
On “Black Friday,” from within the confines of a massively secured and sealed off facility that looks suspiciously like a series of underground launch sites for massive space stations, NASA announces that it has discovered a teensy, weensy dark speck in the daytime sky they have verified as “significantly increasing in diameter” with each passing day. NASA, Lord Darth Roger, and Mullah Commissariat Friend of Dorothy Obama calm the nation by saying there is nothing to worry about, and that a lottery has been instituted to see who gets to “visit” the new super massive launch sites. The corporate media hail this as a sign of solid, competent government without actually announcing to the rest of the population exactly how they are supposed to enter the lottery.
By December 12th, a very large bright ball that is clearly not the sun is visible in the daytime sky on Planet Earth. Harold Camping opens up a video streaming channel where he and his followers can be seen praying to it every day. Lord Darth Rog and the NFL release their playoff schedule, with all post-seasons qualifiers announced before the regular season has ended. While this by itself is nothing unusual, the league makes history by holding all of its January games to onboard the super massive space stations headed toward Mars, with kickoffs scheduled in between “viewings” of the collision of Planet X and Planet Earth. Unbeknownst to NASA, Lord Darth Rog and Mullah Commissariat Friend of Dorothy Obama, a small gaggle of underground poets and publishers smuggle themselves into the super massive space stations and discover that oxygen masks can make for really excellent bongs.
Happy New Year Fezzers!
- Paul Corman-Roberts