Art History
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Art History

 Anthony Spaeth
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 Anthony Spaeth
Art History
by Anthony Spaeth  FollowFollow
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Art History
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Art History—the West Cave wall:  Man, bear, antelope, sunrise Inscribed clay tablet:  Man covered in thick body hair and perhaps a boat (fragmentary) Tile fresco:  Several effete men, marble bath, gushing fountain Illuminated Bible:  Man in purple robe with crown of thorns, grimacing Marble sculpture:  Men with small penises mincing around a pool (copy from the Greek) Tapestry:  Man with sword, mythical beast, rosy-cheeked maiden Oil painting:  Man seated in high-backed chair, beard, fraise, appears constipated Granite sculpture:  Man, seated, propping his chin up with his fist, pondering nothingness Pastel on paper:  Man, woman, sailboat, water, trees, sun, moon, clouds, herd of running horses, flowery meadow, distant snow-capped mountains Latex and croutons:  “Dead Man” (could also be pool of vomit) Excrement:  Stick figure with giant penis
Art History—the East Clay figurine:  Could be a lion, could be a dog, could be a dragon Jade pebble:  Thousands of tiny characters that must have taken years to carve (meaning lost) Fired clay pot:  Seated monarch with extraordinarily long mustache, four child concubines Bronze gong:  Large, round man wearing patchwork robe, appears drunk Ornate box:  Two dimensional wood-burned image of ancient tree located on impossible prominence at the very edge of sheer cliff Lacquered screen:  Monks trudging stolidly up mountainside toward remote pagoda Silk kimono:  Hundreds of brightly-colored, imaginary flowers Blocky statue:  It could be any fascist B&W photo:  Transsexual in geisha outfit doing French exhale Placard above sink:  “Please remember to thoroughly wash hands” translated into six languages Cell phone novel:  16 year old girl raped by elderly neighbor, marries well, retreats into melancholy
Art History—Africa Cave wall:  Stick figure with giant penis Golden sarcophagus:  Slender, effeminate king with large breasts Clay pot:  Slaves in the field, reaping barley Illumination:  Young Saint Augustine stealing a pear Steel:  Ornamental scimitar inscribed with gold:  “Allah Akbar” Wood and nails:  Mask of evil Ogwegwu spirit that rots yams and causes birth defects Ivory and filigree:  The elephant from which it came, bedecked in golden armor B&W photo:  Pile of severed hands, slave with limp grip on bloody axe B&W photo:  White hunter in pith helmet, drooping mustache, seated in high back chair with rifle broken open across his knee Charcoal on paper:  Prisoner’s drawing of the prison at sunset with long seductive shadows Textile:  Brightly-colored, imaginary flowers against a lime green field Rally poster:  Enraged politician in cheap suit, screaming, pointing at the sky Spray paint on wall:  Self portrait of “Gangsta BOO” holding hand grenade and gigantic bong

Art History—North America Stone and flint:  Clovis point lodged in fossilized mammoth rib Petroglyph:  Bowman trailing deer Deerskin and sinew:  Moccasin lined with cheap glass beads Fired clay:  L-shaped tobacco pipe inscribed with name of nobleman Etching:  George Washington holding trowel and compass, staring into the future Daguerreotype:  Pistol, rifle, stone-faced killer Sepia print:  Obese naked woman wearing eyeblack, golden belt, black veil B&W photo:  Soldier staring grimly at the helmet in his hands B&W television:  Nuclear family including barely-closeted homosexual, sexy blonde witch, evil brunette witch, meddling mother witch and innocent witch child Silkscreen:  Soup can and buxom model with oversized hot-pink lips Billboard:  Leather-skinned cowboy smoking cigarette on horseback while pondering infinity Wall-sized glossy:  Upskirt of leatherette mini, trimmed pubes, asscrack
Art History—Central and South America Jade:  Knife shaped like a penis Fired red clay:  Recumbent divinity with hands spread to accept sacrificial heart Steele:  Jaguar King driving porcupine quill through his scrotum while screaming at the sun Oil painting:  Atahualpa on the day of his christening and strangulation Gold:  Christian icon made from melted pagan icon Stained glass:  Winged Madonna with hands folded in quiescent prayer 1,000 page novel:  Dreamlike account of young lovers frolicking in pre-Columbian utopia Plaster and cocaine:  Jesus wearing gold cape, smiling broadly, giving the “thumbs up” Side of bus:  Blonde variety show hostess with E-cups preparing to fellate a microphone

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