My Kid's A Pain In The Ass

YOU CAN'T LOOK INTO THEIR little blue eyes and tell them to piss off.

Even when they are ranting about cage free eggs and they have leather cowgirl boots on, because they haven't figured out that they have dead cow skins on their feet. And you don't dare tell them.

My kid thought Ivory soap was made of ivory, and used to ask if that involved poaching. Buying things in this house always leads to an interrogation with this one, who could shame you with your styrofoam and "excessive packaging" in two seconds flat.

I worry that she will be a snotty yuppie someday, feeling superior down at the Whole Foods, carrying reusable bags with pride to an obnoxious SUV.

Don't get me wrong, I like to do the right things. But let's face it, sometimes you cave to convenience and you really don't want to hear about it. And unless you are Ed Begley Junior, you are in no position to point fingers.

I try to explain the problem with this kind of thing, but seven year olds don't get it yet. They no sooner tell you about the assembly for bullying and they are on the sidewalk, calling some kid a fuck face. They're little hypocrites, even though they will call you out on that shit every day.

And they know everything.

When I was a kid, I had Saturday morning cartoons and Love Boat. Now, they have hundreds of channels that make them disproportionately educated compared to their moronic parents, not to mention we've forgotten things over the years and it takes us a bit of head scratching to recall the capitol of North Dakota. Especially... if you don't give a shit about North Dakota.

Now ask me about "old Metallica" and I'd beat your ass on Metal Jeopardy.

But the chief export of Malaysia? No, kids. Mom has Wikipedia for that now.

They come at you with random factoids on everything from food to crocodiles. And there's nothing like Animal Cops: Houston to make your little girl want to call the cops on everybody with a dog.

"His ribs are showing, I bet they can't provide documentation that he's seen a vet."

The dog on the step is skinny, and could probably use a sandwich. But so could the owner, who tells her she can pet the dog.

"He don't bite, sweetie."

My kid wants to know if he has had his temperament tested.

The guy says he don't have no rabies. He tells her rabies are like the measles, ain't no dog ever get 'em anymore.

She tells him he can get low cost shots at the firehouse. She saw a flyer at the Spankle Mart. He should look for it, maybe take down the information.

My Kid's A Pain In The Ass continues...
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About Elynn Alexander

Elynn Alexander (Lynn) is the producer and editor of web and print content for Full Of Crow Press And Distribution, which includes Full Of Crow, Fashion For Collapse, MUST, and other projects in addition to distribution of zines and independent publications. Visit Full of more. She is also an organizer of poetry events and a partner artist in a local environmental art program that partners creativity with science to raise the profile of concerns.
   2 years ago
This story was a balm to my soul! My kid might be a 23 year old guy and not a seven year old girl, but he too is a pain in the ass! I once told him I'm astonished that as stupid as I am the state still allows me to drive a car and handle my own money without a keeper. To my dismay, I think he moregreed.


A mama possum Hurries across the boulevard   A hopped-up hipster bozo Piss yellow hair blowing in the wind   ...
by Steven Gulvezan