If I Had A Unicorn

If I had a unicorn,
My life would be complete.
I'd give him oats and sugar cubes
And Honey Smacks to eat.
I'd dress him in the finest
Onitsuka Tiger kicks.
He'd be an awesome ax-man
With tasty, rockin’ licks.

If I had a unicorn,
He'd teach me how to sail.
We'd ride the Seven Seas
In our ship "The Beagle Tale".
We'd loot and pillage towns,
But always in the best of taste.
We'd drink whiskey day and night
And never wish we'd better paced.

If I had a unicorn,
I wouldn't have to go to work.
I'd quit that shit lickity split,
And make my boss feel like the jerk.
Our exit would leave a sparkle trail
That would never fade.
Then we'd head down to the mall
And beat each game in the arcade.

If I had a unicorn,
He'd be a poker king.
He'd go all-in on off-suit cards
And win your wedding ring.
He'd be adept at opera
And quote Whitman every morn.
He'd play Brahms on his dulcimer,
Then make a sex joke about his horn.

If I had a unicorn,
He'd teach me magic tricks.
He’d also rule at juggling
And using devil-sticks.
He'd leap me over puddles,
And just because he's nice,
He'd give me hunks of hock to sell
For a lavish price.

If I had a unicorn,
I'd probably change my name
To "That Chick With A Unicorn
And Legendary Game.”
I'd turn a major profit
On all my published books,
All thanks to my unicorn’s
Persuasive/stabby looks.

If I had a unicorn,
I wouldn’t need to write this rhyme.
He’d write it better than I could,
Being in his poet prime.
The stanzas would be wittier
Than the ones I penned.
Best of all, my unicorn
Would never write an end.

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About Jessica McHugh

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Jessica McHugh is an author of speculative fiction that spans the genre from horror and alternate history to epic fantasy. A prolific writer, she has devoted herself to novels, short stories, novellas, and even playwriting. She has had fourteen books published in five years but still eats Ramen. Send money.
   2 years ago
Fun and silly poem! Great laughs!
   2 years ago
Just commenting so that people will notice how awesome this poem is and read it.

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